Diabetes Blog – Happy-Medium.net

You may have read in the last few months (because I’ve been kind of bragging about it) about a triathlon that’s on my schedule in just a couple of weeks. I’ve completed two triathlons before, both two years ago, and I’ve been excited about the idea to add another one to my list.

But it’s not going to happen. Over the weekend, I made a heartfelt decision to cancel my participation in the event this year.

Making this decision, and writing about it right now, is pretty emotional for me. I’m not a quitter. But I feel like a quitter, and thinking about it that way is particularly galling. I suppose I could just go out there, try my best, and somehow get myself through the event. But finishing like a weakling is not my style. And I think it would take everything I have to finish this time. If I could finish.

In reality, there are a number of reasons why I’m crossing this off my list. Only part of it is that I’m not in the kind of shape I would like to be in to swim, bike, and run over two hours. Part of why I’m not in the best of shape is because of how often I was sick over the first four months of the year. It was May before I could get on a steady schedule that would keep me getting stronger up to this point.

Being busier is a reason too, but not a good one. I’m still getting used to being busier than I have in both my work and personal lives in the last ten years. That’s a good thing for me. Being involved is good. But it also means that I have less time to hit the gym, or the road.

But ultimately, it comes down to the most important factor. When you’re involved in a relationship with someone, and you commit your lives to each other, you’re saying (among other things) that when you really need me, I’m going to be there for you. I got out and rode my bike for over an hour on Saturday morning, then came home to help The Great Spousal Unit clear away debris from two large tree limbs that had fallen in our yard. It smashed a lattice wall we had constructed some years ago, and took out a bench we had sitting there too. The cleanup required us to do about five hours of work in the hot sun before making a trip to the county dump to get rid of the lattice, the bench, and a couple of other things that needed to go.

If I had finished my ride and then run for about an hour, like I had planned, it would have meant that Maureen would have been left clearing away that debris all by herself. Because by the end of that ride and run, I would have been useless for the rest of the day. And the thing is, I’ve been doing that kind of thing to her a lot this Spring. Traveling to conferences and leaving her at home. Letting her do the yard work while I went to the gym. Granted, you’re going to do some of that when you’re busy, and when you’re training for an event that requires more than just a little stretch beforehand. But I knew that it was getting to be too much for her. I also heard her the hundred times when she suggested that I should call off the triathlon this year. Partly that was out of worry for my welfare, I think; and partly that was out of concern that she wasn’t getting enough help (let alone enough attention).

So while there are probably about a dozen reasons for me to call off this event, my spouse of almost twenty years is the one that tipped the scale. If I feel better in a couple of weeks (I gave blood again on Friday morning and Saturday’s work was especially tiring), I may make a last minute decision to participate. But right now, I’ve got to come to grips with being mad as hell at myself today, then get back to my reality tomorrow. Sometimes you do things you don’t want to because it’s right for someone important, and often that someone important isn’t even you.