Dude, where’s my motivation?

I’ve got to tell you… I really hated writing this. I’m nervous about publishing this. I don’t enjoy thinking about this or talking about this.

I just have no motivation to accomplish anything related to diabetes right now.

Actually, that’s not true. I have had the motivation to do a number of things, but every time I get ready to do them, I just give up. I think to myself, “Well, maybe this isn’t a good idea, I don’t know if I should do this, maybe I should just think about doing this another time”. Or maybe never.

That’s not like me, generally. I’m more the guy who thinks, “So what? If I want to do something, I should just do it, hopefully I’ll help someone, and I can enjoy it as long as it lasts”. It’s the difference between things being fun, and things being competitive. I don’t do competitive anymore. I don’t like myself when I’m competitive, and I don’t usually do my best then either. When things are fun, I look forward to them, obviously, and yes, I seem to do my best work. Because it doesn’t seem like work. It’s just fun. And I feel a sense of purpose in what I’m doing, like there’s a greater meaning.

But it’s more than that. It’s really more a feeling that I am one step behind the curve, so to speak. Like those dreams where you’re running, but no matter how fast you run, you can’t run fast enough. I hate that feeling.

At the same time, my BGs are on the roller coaster more than they are off. My weight is at a very (for me, anyway) uncomfortable number. And as bad as it sounds, I’m really not interested in working to iron out the wrinkles in my diabetes at this point in time.

I don’t want to confuse lack of motivation, or lack of competitiveness, or a feeling of being behind the curve, with a diminished sense of advocacy. I’ll still fight for my rights as a Person With Diabetes, and for everyone living with diabetes, regardless of my state of mind. There is no time to lose. But there are some things I’ve started and stopped lately, and though they were never even given a chance to be failures, they still feel like failures. That’s bad medicine. It’s reflected in my BGs, how I look, and how I feel about literally everything.

Add to that a work schedule that has absolutely blown up over the past few months and promises to stay that way for the remainder of the year, and, oh yeah, knee surgery and the lack of chances to work out for a few months. I could really use a couple of days off, but nothing is on the horizon. And those workout-high endorphans, well… sometimes they’re just the right medicine. But that won’t be part of my regular routine for some time yet.

It feels utterly ridiculous to be whining about all of this right now. I’m not dealing with anything that anyone else doesn’t deal with, probably more often than I do. When it comes to having to live with diabetes, I’m one of the lucky few who has many options at his disposal to treat, get healthy, and keep on going. I’m just really tired right now, mentally more than physically, and being tired makes me feel less motivated to stay healthy, get stronger, and look for new stories to tell.

Ultimately, I need to downshift into suck-it-up mode and plow through. This is one of those times when I have to remind myself that I’m not doing great, but where would I be if I didn’t try at all?

Perspective: my problems are not really problems. They sure as hell don’t feel like opportunities right now, either. But, things usually go in cycles, and this is likely just a temporary bad cycle. Truly, things could be much worse.

I don’t have any predictions, promises, or insights to share today. I only have my continuing dedication to a better life for everyone living with and affected by this disease. However that happens, whenever that happens, I hope to contribute in any way I can. I want to help, and I want to do it with a sense of empowerment and a joy for life. I want it to be fun again.

Because, why not?

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  • Scully  On June 18, 2015 at 9:47 am

    You’re in a pretty down spot. I would be furious where you are right now. Burdensome workload with no signs of stopping and a recovering body that isn’t even giving you an option? Yeah. I’d be wallowing. Sure things are good life is happening and you’re probably thinking the most annoying “it could be worse” thoughts. But if you’re anything like me you relish in the everyday enjoyment a more than the light at the end of a long tunnel.
    I feel ya man, I really do. And typical to my style I haven’t got much nice to say except “I understand”

    Liked by 1 person

  • Alanna  On June 18, 2015 at 10:12 am

    You’re allowed.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Mike Hoskins (@MHoskins2179)  On June 18, 2015 at 11:41 am

    Totally OK. We all need to be this way sometimes, and just have those feelings exposed and vented to just keep our sanity. Perspective is good, but it’s not always needed. We’re allowed to go through these times. Sending good vibes your way for calmer and less stressful days, and hope the recovery goes well and things smooth our sooner rather than later.

    Liked by 1 person

  • AF  On June 18, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Take a look at the description of your blog – “searching for the right balance between the highs and lows of diabetes” It describes the cyclical roller coaster that is T1D. That also means that you WILL get rested, get your strength back, and will continue to bring motivation and inspiration to diabetics everywhere. thanks!


  • Mike Durbin (@mydiabeticheart)  On June 18, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    I’ve been in a similar spot for quite a while now. All I have to offer here are the words that others have offered me. “Be kind to yourself, give things time, and remember you’re not alone.” All the best, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  • SimpleLivingOver50  On June 19, 2015 at 8:43 am

    We suffer those damn energy cycles all the time. Sometimes we have the ambition and energy to take on the world and other times we just want to be like a vegetable growing on a vine. I started using a notebook years ago to right down my morning glucose reading, my weight and how I am feeling at the time. If you read my blog you will see all of the different workouts and non-workouts along with different diets. It’s all crazy, life is. But I have learned to put my health as my number #1 priority as without it nothing else matters.


  • Frank  On June 19, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    I don’t really have any special advice to offer other than to say that you’re not alone. Everyone goes through those phases of “going through the motions” and doing diabetes on autopilot mode. And it is still very empowering to hear the less than perfect stories too, because they do happen. I hope you find a way to recharge soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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